MNRG 2007-8 SEASON CHAMPIONSHIP
Saturday, April 12, 2008

4200 men, women, and children from around the state converged upon the Legendary Roy Wilkins auditorium on Saturday to see the conclusion of the fourth season of the resurgence of Minnesota roller derby. Over twenty-eight games and four years, the MNRG has grown their fanbase from packing out a roller rink to the thousands stuffing every corner of the Roy. On this, the twenty-ninth home bout of the MNRG, the fans were in for a treat; not one but two taut bouts showcasing the best of flat track derby for anyone with a ticket.

The Garda Belts and the Atomic Bombshells proudly skated out to this match for third place. The previous match had been chaotic, with many fouls doled out and - despite bagpipes, sunglasses, and Michael Jackson‘s "Thriller" - the mood at the start of this match was decidedly more serious.

Coaches sent out Angelfire of the Garda Belts and Lizzy the Axe of the Atomic Bombshells for the first assault on the blockers. With the blast of the second whistle, the first match of the night was underway. Lizzy the Axe took the first lead, whipping past an otherwise attentive Garda Belt defense by taking the outside line. Angelfire could not find a way past, and Marilyn Monrogue cut her out of the pack by sending her into corner One’s dead zone. Lizzy buzzed past Angelfire and blinked past Citizen Pain, thrown into her path by fellow GB blocker Optimiss Crime--earning a grand slam for her team while Angelfire blanked out.

Suzie Smashbox and CleoSPLATra jammed next, and in what surely was a planned setpiece, Garda Belt commissioner Rumblebee fell to the ground as Suzie used her captain to fly forward at a blinding pace. Smashbox took the lead with Splatra nipping at her heels. The Garda Belt passed three before running into a correction from ABS pivot Bonesetter. Suzie attempted to call off the jam, but the refs did not catch the hip-bruising signal until several seconds later, giving Cleosplatra the ability to grab a point.

Buffy and Demora Liza raced through the next jam; Buffy took the lead, but the refs called the jam early as Marilyn Monrogue scored an illegal takedown on Optimiss Crime. Monrogue earned a major penalty and a free trip to Grandma’s Kitchen as the teams regrouped after five minutes of intense play...the score ABS 6 - Garda Belts 3.

Angelfire and Sugar Cain sparred at the jammer line next. Both players broke through a slow-moving pack, but neither survived the trip without an illegal pass. Sugar Cain attempted a signature booty-block on Angelfire through the sprint, but the Garda jammer caught on and made a tremendous second pass before getting illegally laid out by ABS rookie Calamity Crush, sending Crush to the box along with GB Cupcake and Bombshell Betty Bruiser. Penalty keeper Battering Gram certainly was keeping busy... Amidst the hits, Sugar Cain took three points to Angelfire’s four.

Lizzy and Smashbox, high scorers of each team, skated to the line next. Both beat the pack, but Suzie shattered the ABS defense on the first lap with a pass on the backside straightaway that left Lizzy about half a lap back. Suzie sprinted, stole four points and called off the jam within fifteen seconds to incredulous cheers. Garda Belts led with 11 minutes to go, 11-9.

GB Angelfire extended the lead by one in the next pass despite heavy resistance from Supersonik and Bonnie Rotten. Suzie returned to the line against ABS captain Buffy the Vampire Skater. Buffy sent Suzie into the dead zone right off the jammer line, then shot through the front of the pack. Suzie recovered and joined her, but got called out on an accumulation of minor penalties. Buffy took the advantage and scored four points on the jammerless Garda Belts. Betty Bruiser came to the line for the Atomic Bombshells alone, but Smashbox flew from the box, catching up soon after the second whistle. Neither jammer took lead; the Garda Belt defense arrayed themselves behind the Bombshells and started to shave off the opposing blockers for Suzie to score three quick points before being stopped by Lizzy. Betty likewise snuck past two before an Optimiss Crime-shaped crash took her to the ground. Bombshells were ahead, 19-17..

Mitzi Massacre battled next against Angelfire, and the ABS veteran sped through the inside track. Garda Belts Cupcake and Hanna Belle Lector could only slow Mitzi by staggering blocks; Bombshell defenders took advantage of their distraction to pull the pack back, which left GBs out of position. With the path clear, Mitzi took lead with a tremendous grand slam. In the last jam of the half, Smashbox took a fast outside line with Garda Belts clearing the lane and responded with four of her own while GB Rumblebee repeatedly sent opposing jammer CleoSPLATra to the back of the pack. In a repeat of three weeks ago, this bout was anyone’s game at the end of the first half. This time, the Atomic Bombshells were ahead, 24-21.

Garda Belt Cupcake introduced the second half of the bout by wearing Bombshell mascot Meltdown’s facemask from the MNRG’s first season, to the delight of old-timers and the disbelief of the Atomic Bombshells. With everyone settled in and with a fresh beer in hand, the second half began with Lizzy the Axe and Angelfire at the line. Angelfire nabbed the lead, swerving around the dangerous shoulders of Misfit Maiden. However, Lizzy made it through the pack unscathed, kicked up a gear, and lapped the pack for four while Angelfire’s second pass came afoul of ABS’ Chinese Takeout and Flora Flipabitch. Unable to make the lap, Angelfire called off the jam with two points.

Suzie and CleoSPLATra faced off once again. ‘Splatra had an early line but got taken down by Tiki Torture while Suzie took lead, scoring a double grand slam and pulling the Garda Belts ahead with significant help from Dieann Isis and Hanna Belle Lector running hard interference on the veteran Bombshell jammer. Insult was added to injury as CleoSPLATra was sent to the box for minor penalties. Demora Liza took two points while jamming unopposed, but Marilyn Monrogue kept her from controlling the clock by taking her inside the track just as Liza was passing her. Acting as blocker, Lizzy got sent out for grabbing Liza’s skate, but with her two points, the Garda Belts pushed their lead to 35-28.

Angelfire and Sugar Cain could not score during a mad scramble of a jam; Misfit Maiden and Marilyn Monrogue again herded Angelfire into corner One’s dead zone while Sugar Cain ran into Inspectress Gadget’s hip. Suzie Smashbox played against Mitzi Massacre next while Marilyn and Demora Liza ran defense. Perhaps fearing another big jam by Suzie, Marilyn pulled the Garda Belt jammer off of the track by her elbows, earning the Bombshell another trip to Grandma’s Kitchen. Suzie recovered and took another three points as Misfit Maiden struggled to help Mitzi pass Tiki Torture and Cupcake in the back.

CleoSPLATra returned to the line against Angelfire as the crowd hushed in anticipation. Both jammers took off like hundred-meter sprinters at the second whistle, but it was Angelfire who took the lead, getting past an illegal block by Bonnie Rotten, sending her to the box. The Garda Belt defense slammed the door on Splatra’s initial run as Citizen Pain took her behind the pack into corner Four. Angelfire took advantage of the power play position and whipped past the pack and penalty box for eight points, but was stopped in a pileup engineered by the Bombshells to give a recovered Cleo some points before Angelfire could call off the jam. With six minutes remaining and fifteen points between the teams, the situation looked dire for the Bombshells.

Rumblebee took a jam against Lizzy the Axe next. Caring more about slowing her opponent than taking points herself, Rumblebee started checking Lizzy immediately, but got stopped by Bombshell strongwoman Marilyn Monrogue. Neither could take the lead from a very tough pack, but Lizzy nonetheless squeezed six points from the Garda Belts as several GB blockers were called for foul trouble.

With less than four minutes to go, Sugar Cain and Hanna Belle Lector went to the jammer line. Lector - like Rumblebee in the previous jam - worked the clock rather than trying to score points. Sugar Cain attempted a clean pass, but Optimiss Crime dumped her out of the track at the last moment. Cain then passed the pack, but fell back to hits from Citizen Pain and still more from Optimiss Crime. Hanna Belle got called into the penalty box, leaving the Atomic Bombshells going unopposed in the last jam of the game with a minute to go. Lizzy, the final jammer, simply had no time to do anything but pass the pack, and as time elapsed, an ecstatic Garda Belt team took to the track for a victory lap. With the season nothing now but a memory, the Garda Belts won third place with a final score of 46-37.

Bout #2:

As halftime elapsed, the Dagger Dolls and Rockits introduced themselves to the crowd for the final time of this season. The crowd was raucous. These fans were full of anticipation for the match that had been in the making over the entire last season as we saw our players take on teams from around the country, then play their way through a fast-paced home season.

Rockit Harmony Killerbruise and Dolly Roxanne Rolls jammed to begin this final match. Harmony bounded through the pack taking the first lead, while Scarmen Hellectra rolled Roxanne to the back twice before the veteran Doll could pass the pack. While Roxy escaped and took two, Harmony scored four points for the Rockits. Vuedoo Prodigy and Sparkle Ninja – both with two full years under their belts – next lined up and took off. Norah Torious delivered Vuedoo to the back of the pack after almost scoring a quick pass-through, but the Prodigy nonetheless took the lead and scored two while the Randi and Coochie of the Rockits slowed Sparkle Ninja. Jawbreaker and Rebel Stella strode to the line next, but neither scored a single point during the jam. Rockit blocker Honeydew Felon booty-blocked Stella’s advance through the pack twice – once to hold up the initial pass, and once to give Jawbreaker the opportunity to catch up to Stella once she had taken the lead and reengaged the pack so that the Dagger Doll called off the jam. Dudezilla and Mary Tyler Roar likewise had a scoreless jam as Dude picked up the lead and stopped the jam just before Mary started to lap the pack.

In the following jam, Vuedoo could not find a line past Sinnamin while Dagger Doll Scootaloo made her way past the blocking of Killahertz and Jawbreaker. Killahertz was able to hold Scoot to two points on the next pass through, but Vuedoo did not score.

Halfway through the first period, Roxanne and Harmony returned to the jammer line. Neither took the lead, but Roxanne moved so fast that she may as well have driven through the Rockits. The pack shortened up to deal with Harmony and the Doll speedster, and Roxanne faked out Rizzo and Soylent Mean to lap the red team. Harmony dove past the Dolls a few seconds later, but Roxanne had enough time to make two more points before Soylent threw Abby Mischief into Roxy’s way. The jam tied the score at 10-all. A brief Jawbreaker/Sparkle Ninja jam followed; ‘Breaker took the lead, but Sparkle was able to score two points against Jawbreaker’s one and the Dagger Dolls pulled ahead for the first time that night.

Rebel Stella led the next jam, but the ref following Vuedoo's outside line also signaled for a lead jam and – seeing Rebel Stella far ahead – the Rockit jammer took the opportunity to stop the jam prematurely and an irate Stella returned to the bench.

Jawbreaker scored eight points with heavy assistance from the Rockit defense in the following jam. Although she did not get the lead, ‘Breaker lapped the pack twice with Scarmen’s blocking assistance. Meanwhile, Mean blocked, tripped, and checked Mary out of being able to take a legal pass and kept her from stopping the jam. Scootaloo responded by taking four points right back off of a cut-track jam while Harmony got juggled between Sinnamin and Barbie Brawl. The jam ended the half with the Rockits ahead by a slim three points, 19-16. The players took a ten minute break while the announcers desperately tried to get rid of every stick of promotional material they had left from the season. T-shirts, hats, Frisbees – they launched everything and anything into the record-breaking audience.

Rebel Stella and Jawbreaker began the final half with yet another short jam. Stella again took the lead while ‘Breaker was held back by Wonderbroad and Roxanne Rolls, but the Rockit had caught up by the time both re-entered the back of the pack and Jawbreaker scored two before Stella could stop the jam. Mary Tyler Roar grabbed the lead in the following jam just as Harmony Killerbruise, the Rockit jammer began lapping the pack. Harmony scored one, and the Rockits brought their lead to five, 22-17.

Scootaloo stepped to the line against Jawbreaker next, and Scoot quickly found herself behind Rockit pivot Frau Scientits and Killahertz. Jawbreaker took advantage of her opponent’s situation and scored five before Scootaloo broke through the pack with help from Rebel Stella. However, Jawbreaker set herself in Scootaloo’s line and slowed the Dolly down, running down the clock just a bit.

Roxanne Rolls slipped past Rizzo and Abbie Mischief and took the next lead. Dudezilla, beat the pack some seconds later. However, the Rockits kept finding ways to send Roxy to the back of the pack just as she was about to lap and take four points, which gave Dude a chance to catch up and score four of her own. Sparkle Ninja answered with two against Jawbreaker.

Rebel Stella brought the Dagger Dolls even closer to the Rockits with ten minutes to go in the 2007-8 season. Taking an inside line, Stella caught the Rockits looking and took the lead while red jammer Harmony tried to keep up. Flashing past Anesthesia and the rest of the Rockits, Stella grabbed four points – but Harmony stole one just before the jam was called. Six points separated the teams, Rockits 32-26; over the next three minutes, both Mary Tyler Roar and Scootaloo took the lead against their opposing Rockit jammers, but neither were able to close the score gap before they called off the jam.

With just five minutes to go, Roxanne Rolls and Harmony returned to the line. The crowd’s volume had risen to a fever pitch. With the second whistle, the jammers flew off the line. Harmony entered the pack amidst a pileup up front; Mary Tyler Roar could only push her to the outside to keep her from getting the lead. While the Rockit sprinted to start lapping the pack, a combination of Rockit blockers Vuedoo, Scarmen, and Killahertz kept Roxanne from being able to pass through. Harmony pressed through the pack for a grand slam and continued for a second lap while Roxanne continued to be pushed to the outside and into the corners. Sinnamin and Doll Lydia Punch were at last able to impede Harmony, but not before the Rockit scored six points. With only three minutes remaining, the Rockits had shot ahead to 39-27. The gap suddenly seemed unsurmountable; the Dolls would have to own the clock for the rest of the game and score twelve unanswered points.

Dudezilla and Sparkle Ninja stepped to the jammer line one last time. Despite their best efforts, neither could take the next lead and so – with two full minutes being eaten by the clock and no one in control – the game was effectively over. However, Sparkle Ninja did her team proud, flashing through the pack with a brilliant grand slam against Dudezilla's two points. And while Roxanne Rolls and Harmony returned to the line with 30 seconds to go, the final buzzer sounded before either could break the pack.

And so, after being relieved of the Golden Skate by the Atomic Bombshells in the 2006-7 final, the Rockits have brought it home again, derby fans.

Final score 41-32

A couple final notes before we draw this season to a close. This match was the final one for Atomic Bombshells Lizzy the Axe and The Bonesetter. We will miss them and we wish them well. Stay tuned to for the latest on our All Star travel team as they head into tournament season, and we hope to see you at Eastern regionals in Madison, WI on October 10-12th. And, ladies and gentlemen, the new season begins the following week at the Legendary Roy Wilkins Auditorium.

Reporting from the finest derby town in America,
-Garrison Killer

Final Scores:
Garda Belts 46 – Atomic Bombshells 37
Rockits 41 – Dagger Dolls 32

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Please contact Lindsy, a.k.a. Rebel Stella, at pr@mnrollergirls.com or 612.296.4743 if you are interested in a story or other media piece with the Minnesota RollerGirls.